Uncommon Grace

18 December

I am posting here from the midst of gift-making chaos. We have no money this year. I mean, we always say that, especially the last few years at my husband's last crummy job, but this year, in the midst of unemployment, we really have nothing to spend on gifts. I do, however, have a lot of supplies. So I'm making as much as I can squeeze in. With a newborn. So, chaos and exhaustion doesn't really begin to describe it. I'm really longing for some time to just sit and read (either on my own or to my children), listen to Christmas music, and not look at another scrap of fabric, yarn, paper, wax, or any other supplies. Just a week to go. I'll get there. 

It feels ironic to write the above, because while handmade gifts are definitely part of what I'd consider our family's "values", time spent together is even more important. I hate the consumerism and "grab it all" of this time of year, with frantic shopping and piles of gifts that will be forgotten or broken long before the next Christmas. Every year, we give fewer gifts to our children and I like it that way. So, I hate that here I am making gifts but feeling that same pressure. It's a balance that I just haven't struck yet.

But what I am longing for is a quiet, holy Advent spent in prayer and quiet togetherness with my family. I hope someday to get there. 

I've grabbed these few photos here and there the last couple of weeks. Thank goodness for that camera, however infrequently I've been picking it up. It reminds me to look for the good in the midst of frenzy.

13 November

This photo is very raw to me. I feel very raw right now. I think I always knew that it would be a while before I would start processing what happened to John and me this summer, and it seems that time is now. 

I know babies are born via c-section and have to stay in the NICU all the time, every day. My mom works in a NICU, and long ago, I also worked in a hospital and often witnessed this kind of heartache. It's been part of my life for a long, long time. But never in so immediate a way.

I had a healthy pregnancy. It wasn't "easy", but it was healthy. My labs were perfect, there was no reason to believe I'd have anything other than a straightforward delivery, as I had with my other babies. What I got was not what any of us expected. No one expects an emergency c-section, difficult anesthesia recovery, surprise NICU stay, delayed bonding. It just feels like a lot, suddenly. Thinking back to the morning of my surgery, I am still so at peace with that decision. But my scar is still tender. And the emotional scars are, it turns out, more tender still.

When people tell me things like, "You could have done this or that differently (not had a homebirth, found a different doctor, gone to a different hospital, been a better advocate, and on and on), then you wouldn't have had to go through this," I think, "Do you know what you are saying? This is my fault?"

Suffering is a mystery. It comes to everyone. There are no simple answers. What we have, we can just as swiftly lose. I have much to wrestle with. 

For the next few days, I will just be posting pictures in this space as I'm needing just a bit more silence around the margins of my days. 

Thank you for being here.

12 November

Today was a terrible day.

I imagine that some people reading this blog look at my life and think it seems charmed and lovely and idyllic, as I am guilty of having done about other people's blogs. Of course, we don't need another post by another blogger belaboring the point that this is not the case, my life is ordinary, and on and on.

Mostly, my life is pretty lovely. I'm blessed. (And I'm also naturally optimistic.) 

But my kids do fight, and I do struggle with handling that in the best way. My husband is unemployed and we don't know where money for bills, much less any "extras", will come from. My biblical school teacher commented last week that unemployment changes you, and she's right. It does. I hope it changes us for the better. I do experience conflicts and disappointments and pain and heartaches. My life is not any better or worse than any of yours.

I rarely, rarely share links here (besides to patterns or supplies), but I have two tonight that I really must share and I hope very much that you will click through to them.

1. Ulysses

I don't think I could have survived our NICU stay this summer without an image of little Uly playing in the river with his daddy. For two years, he has been one of my greatest inspirations. I hope he will inspire you, too. 

2. Time

Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing to carve out time for the small, concrete pleasures that bring real joy as compared to the instant gratification -- and yet loneliness -- of a life lived online? I think so.

 

4 November

Another phone post tonight after a day that was just one of those days. It wasn't bad, it wasn't good, it was just kind of indifferent. I was sore, John was cranky, the children spent time cleaning their rooms and playing independently of each other, my husband touched up some paint and worked on installing baseboards. The weather was cold but not particularly noteworthy. Later I taught lessons which wasn't fun considering cello is an instrument that is played seated and sitting is a "pain" for me right now.

Anyway, after all that, I went to make this post and was thinking, "What will I write about?" Four days into the month and I'm already a bit unprepared. Well, not totally, I just don't have photos ready to go. And then these words of Blessed John Paul II, in his Letter to Artists, came to my mind: "All men and women are entrusted with the task of crafting their own life: in a certain sense, they are to make of it a work of art, a masterpiece."

As a musician, decent amateur photographer, and dollmaker, I do consider myself an artist. But even when we are not artists, or just don't feel like it, or a particular day didn't seem to offer any inspiration at all, we are still crafting our lives. I know I've written about this some time ago, somewhere, but I can't find it right now and can't add links from the phone app anyway. But it's something I've thought about a lot over these last 11 years of spending most of my time raising my children. Crafting our home, making mindful decisions in my parenting, all of this is part if crafting this life. I'm not at all sure I've reached "masterpiece" level yet, but I'm certainly trying.

I firmly believe that being conscious of how we live, having the goal of a life lived as a masterpiece to strive for, is a very beautiful and worthy endeavor.

Here's to another day spent working on that masterpiece.

5 October

After my most recent post, one of my long-time readers commented that she sensed things were pretty "full-on" for me right now. She went on to say, "Whatever struggles you are feeling I'm always so moved that you are able to frame things through beauty's lens." This comment was so moving to me. Over the nearly seven years I've been writing here, that's been my goal. I have had a lot of struggles over these seven years, along with a lot of ordinary days, and plenty of joys, too. But my goal has always been to infuse things here, and in my real life, with some beauty and grace. (Sometimes easier said than done.)

In the last six months, things have been more stressful than they ever have been. First with my husband's (now ongoing) unemployment, and the events of baby John's birth. For the most part, I stay pretty upbeat. Only a very few people -- my sister, my husband, and actually my biblical school teacher (and now, you all, ha!) -- really get to know the full extent of my fear and worry and stress. (Note: if you know me in real life, I'm still not likely to open up a lot about this. Since you know me, you know I keep things pretty close.)

At my class this week, my teacher this year handed back our year-end exams from last year. I'm in my fourth and final year of my program, and my class had the pleasure of having the same teacher for second and third year. Over those two years, I became pretty comfortable with being honest in the reflections that were part of our weekly homework. Over that time, I was able to express some things in writing to my teacher that I wouldn't ordinarily express. When I looked at the comments my teacher had written on the back of my exam, this is what I saw:

So fitting, right? I've heard it said that what we are named is our vocation (this is one reason I name my children very carefully), and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that mine would be! Sometimes I can be too caught up in being sensible and reasonable, and can forget that everything -- hardships, ease, life itself -- is by the grace of God. So, all that to say, yes, I've been struggling, and yes, I have, and will continue to, try to infuse this time with beauty and grace as much or more than any other.

Fast forward to last week when I was asked to participate in the blog tour for Small Steps for Catholic Moms. Although this book was co-written by my friend Elizabeth, it's new to me. (It's just been re-released.) It's a wonderful book of simple devotions, organized by the days of the year. It's just what I needed.

The month of May has reflections on the theme of grace, and I was asked to use one of these as part of my post today (again, so fitting).

Think: "Think of what is above, not of what is on earth."

 - Colossians 3:2

Pray: I am weak, Lord. I am stubborn, impatient, selfish, and vain. Pour forth your grace to relieve me of my weaknesses. Help me grow strong in virtue.

Act: Think of at least one small flaw in your personality that you tend to make excuses for ("Oh, I've never been a patient person!"), and resolve to work on it with God's help. Decide on a consequence for weakness (doing some small job for each infraction, for example), and then follow through with it.

Sometimes I'm all too aware of my faults and do nothing about them. And often, something very small and very concrete like this is just what I need when things have been tough.

I've been so happy to have the chance to be a part of this blog tour and to discover a book that will be a source of blessing and grace for me. I'm also very happy to say that I have the opportunity to introduce this book to one of you, as well -- I have an extra copy from the publisher for one of you! Please leave a comment for an opportunity to win!

(If you'd like an opportunity to win a complete set of CatholicMom.com books, be sure to check out the "Five Minutes Alone" contest.)